I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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