Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
3 2 1 whiskey
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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