I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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