I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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