you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
