can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
