she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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