guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
