Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Randomize
