If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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