Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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