Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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