Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
