I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
