From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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