Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Randomize
