I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
