Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
