He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
