I wish my penis had an off switch
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize