Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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