so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
