she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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