Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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