I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
