if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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