I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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