I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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