Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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