Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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