So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
