I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
