I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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