please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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