you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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