At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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