Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
