I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
not ubering you a puppy
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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