i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize