Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
how drunk are you?
Several
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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