I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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