Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just saw a hot homeless man
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
