omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
