You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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