This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
