Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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