Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
