I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
