I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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