I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
