I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
