Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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