I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
