I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
