I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
As shirtless as possible
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
