Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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