I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
