You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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