My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
