it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
