i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize