good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize