Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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