Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
