Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
