His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
