Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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