I wish I could teleport
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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